Don't Give Up
by Bahoogasmif
Summary: Sometimes, the things we need show up in unexpected ways.
1. Don't Give Up

Don't Give Up

Walking through the Captain's quarters was already hard enough with all the clothes, figurines, and priceless artifacts scattered about the floor, but walking through it without the Captain there with her seemed... Hollow. Different. As if it were waiting for him to return, rather than permanently empty.

Tali Zorah Vas Normandy finally managed to finesse her way through the wrecked remains of Shepard's room to take a seat on the edge of his bed. It was, well, 'painful' seemed woefully inadequate. 'Agonizing' to know she would likely never see him again, but she had volunteered to be the one to go through his cabin. Why had volunteered herself for this heartache?

 _Because you love to torture yourself?_ Her mind taunted at her. _Because you think that, somehow, he'll come back with a fleet at his back, a smile on his face and a shoulder for you to cry on?_

When times were roughest, it was always one's own mind that caused the biggest problems. Once the ship had crash landed on this jungle planet, the crew had immediately gotten to work trying to fix the Normandy up enough for space flight again. Everyone had been pitching in: Ashley and James did lots of the heavy lifting, pushing and pulling the heavy stuff while Liara and her worked on the software. Joker provided a bit of emotional suppport in the form of jokes, but even he sounded lackluster from the loss of his co-pilot. Garrus worked on the engine along with her, and Miranda chided them all along like a flustered mother hen to a particularly stubborn flock.

Through it all, Tali had tried her best to keep her despair from showing. It wasnt working. On several occasions the crew had found flaws in her work, things that were obviously off or basic. The type of things the normal Tali would never have missed. After Gabby found her sobbing in the maintenance tunnel, the young engineer had sat with her for a few minutes before telling her to go and rest.

 _Rest?_ Tali frowned at the mere memory, _How can I rest when everyone else is doing their part? I refuse to be given special treatment. I am not-!_

A loud crunching noise stopped her train of thought as she stood up in anger, but when she looked down at the source, her brain seemed to freeze at what she saw. Beneath a toed boot sat a shattered picture frame, a picture of herself smiling back at her through a golden Rannoch sunset. The picture she'd given to Shepard the day they had retaken Rannoch lay crumpled beneath her foot, a million cracks running through the glass in front of it.

Gingerly, she lifted her foot so as not to disturb the picture further before she reached down and grabbed it. It was a futile effort, of course, trying to smooth it out, but she did it nonetheless. Her eyes were locked on the picture as she slowly lowered herself back to the bed. For what felt like minutes she simply sat, transfixed on the photo. She did not see the picture itself, but rather, saw _through_ it.

She could recall everything about that day. The smell of the burnt undergrowth from the massive laser, the sound of the Reaper as it slammed into the dirt for the final time, unmoving. She could remember the taste of blood in her mouth after she'd bitten her tongue in distress and worry, and the feel of their escape truck shaking violently with each blast. The emotions that had ravaged her heart when she realized the day was won. The feel of his lips on hers when she'd taken her helmet off on the cliffside...

Tali closed her eyes, letting the wave of sorrow pass through her yet again. She didn't cry this time, at least. Maybe the idea of him being gone was actually sinking in. She didn't dare hope. Didn't dare allow herself to think he was still alive through the crucible firing. To let that kind of hope fester, knowing the chances of him living were so near to impossible it couldn't be projected short of a Volus-grade calculator... Her heart could not take that kind of anguish. Not again.

Setting the photo down softly on the bed beside her, Tali got up once more to search around the room. She was supposed to be finding anything of use for the crew, but she already knew there was nothing up here for them to use. It was just an excuse to get away from the looks of pity, the constant questions about how she was doing, or if she were alright.

She found herself looking into the empty, cracked fish tank, reminiscing on how they used to feed the fish together and laugh as they came up with ridiculous names for each. 'Harvey the Harvester', known for his ability to beat the other fish to the food as it started to fall. Also a play on Harbinger, but that kind of humor made everything seem lighter in their darkest hour.

Finally, Tali looked down at the small info pad jutting from the wall where EDI used to pop up her avatar. It hadn't taken the team long to realize EDI would never respond again, no matter how much Joker pleaded with them to try and fix her. It had been heartbreaking for everyone involved, but Joker had finally gotten the hint. She was gone. Tali brushed her three fingered hand across the surface of the pad in nostalgia, and was surprised when the pad reacted.

For a moment, Tali panicked. Had she accidentally woken EDI up? Would she remember anything? Try to kill them? All those things flashed through her head in a split second before she realized it was nothing so extreme. A tiny compartment on the front of the pad had opened up to eject a thumb drive, and on it's side was some kind of tape.

Cautiously, Tali bent down to inspect the thumb drive. It had tape slapped onto one side, and crudely written in a sharpie was, 'For the love of my life, Tali'.

Before she'd even gotten to read it, she'd known it was Shepard's. The sloppy handwriting gave it away.

Her breathing was coming in raggedly now as she removed the drive from its cubby hole, and she almost dropped it while trying to insert it into the disc-player. For a few seconds, nothing happened. Just empty static. She was about to frantically start removing panels to try and fix the player when the sound of normal background noises could be heard through it. She quickly sat down on the stairs, eyes wide like a kid listening to her favorite story.

" _Would you like to rehearse first, Commander?"_ EDI's voice came through clearly, and it made Tali's heart skip a beat to hear it like she were still alive. It was nothing compared to what came next.

"Yeah, sure. Plans don't generally go well when I make them, though." Shepard sighed in feigned self pity, which made her smile all the more to hear it. She could practically **see** the dumb smile on his face. Her heart ached with every word she heard from him, and already she could feel tears rolling down her cheeks.

" _Very well, Commander. We may begin recording at any time."_

"Thanks EDI. *Ahem* I-...I uh, ahhh, geez. I don't have a clue what I should say to her. This feels more and more stupid every time I think about it."

" _Start with something simple, Commander. What made you want to make this log in the first place?"_ EDI's question made Tali sit up straighter from her place on the floor, and the silence made her almost want to scream. He took so long to spit out what he wanted to say sometimes...

"Fear of me dying, I suppose." Another brief silence as neither one spoke. "I just thought that, with all that's happened, it might be nice to hear it all come out in the open, you know? I'm not the most pleasant guy to be around, sometimes. Or the cleanest, or the smartest, but-" He paused, as if trying to summon the exact word that was just on the tip of his tongue. "..When someone as talented, intelligent, gorgeous, and caring says they want you as much as you want them? Well, it makes you think maybe you're still asleep in your bunk in basic training, and some drill instructor is going to not-so-nicely wake you out of the dream. You keep waiting for the other foot to fall, or for some cruel punchline to say it was all a joke." Shepard trailed off, likely staring at the floor the way he always did when at a loss for words.

By this point, Tali was completely enthralled. A rampaging thresher maw could explode through the deck beside her and she wouldn't look twice.

"Why can't I just say all this stuff to her face? Christ, she sleeps in my cabin most nights! You'd think this would be easier."

" _When did you know you fell in love, Commander? The relationship between myself and Jeff seems to not have such a conclusive point in it. I often wonder how it is organics can say for certain they are, 'together'. and when they are simply dating."_

"Wow, that's an easy one," he laughed. "When I first saw Tali, she was being held at gunpoint by a group of assassins. Me being me, I didn't even stop to really look at her before I started blasting away at the thugs. My 'knight in shining armor' complex will do that sometimes. But when the bullets stopped flying and she stepped out of cover, I had a lump in my throat bigger than a watermelon. She was so beautiful, EDI... Deep purple shawl with her clan design across it, those bright eyes looking right through me... and those hips." He quickly cleared his throat, and Tali knew his face was probably beet red. She chuckled a little despite herself.

" _Her hips?"_

"Well yeah. Haven't you ever- No, nevermind. Moving on. So then she starts talking to me, EDI. I think I had to ask her to repeat herself about three times before I finally understood what she'd said. Her voice was heavenly, and when we took her to the ship and she started getting so excited about the engines and tech stuff I- I'll be honest, I had a real hard time not hitting on her then and there. She just seemed so young. And that determination! I've never seen a young woman with no real military training get that good at combat that quickly. Worked that shotgun like it owed her money."

The mental image Tali got was Shepard smiling and shaking his head, remembering the past just as she had been minutes ago. This was unreal. Was this all in her head? What were the odds of her just stumbling on this out of nowhere?

" _Correct me if i'm wrong, but you did not enter a relationship with Tali until after Cerberus revived you. Why is that?"_

"You've been talking with Diana Allers again, haven't you? This is starting to sound more like an interview." Shepard sounded half skeptical, half joking.

" _My apologies, Shepard. I only meant to help you voice your thoughts."_

"I know, i'm just joking, EDI. You know, when Cerberus revived me, I was incredibly confused. That might be expected, considering the circumstances. The one thing i'll always remember was how panicked I was when I first woke up. Everything hurt, and I thought I might still be onboard the SR-1. I remember my first thought being, "I have to make sure Tali made it." Now, of _course_ I cared if the others survived, but If she had died, I don't know if I could have done the things I did, EDI. Every time I charged into enemy fire, my biggest concern was whether or not I'd ever get to see her again."

Tali held a hand to her helmet transmitter in an attempt to block out the small choking noises she was making. She couldn't let her emotions stop her from hearing this.

"So when I did finally see her again, I had so much I wanted to say... I said none of it, EDI. Not a damn thing. I was all business, like nothing had happened since I was away."

" _Why?"_

"Lots of reasons. She'd changed, EDI. Everything about her seemed... more mature, I guess? She carried herself like a woman, not a girl fresh on her pilgrimage. She was on a mission, determined as always." The pause he made hurt her as she listened, knowing that small smile he always carried for her was on his face. She hated that she knew his every expression despite having no video to see. Yet she loved it at the same time. She'd spent so long studying him, watching him, learning his every mannerism, that he was gone now felt like she'd lost the best part of herself.

"When I left Freedoms Progress, I hated myself for it." Shepard continued finally, "I hated that I didn't have the balls to simply tell her what I needed to tell her. For the first time since my first combat situation, I froze up. I think deep down, I was terrified of her not feeling the same for me as I did for her. Not because of my image, or that I thought things might get awkward, but because I **needed** her. Whenever I was away from her, I didn't feel like myself. I got mean, cared less of what people thought. For a while there, Chakwas thought my scars from reconstruction might actually return due to how much I was frowning and brooding."

"But when I got that dossier on her wherabouts from the Illusive Man... You've never seen a man act that quickly. You remember, don't you EDI?"

" _I do. I believe it was the Illusive Man himself who tracked Tali down for you. He wanted to see your reaction."_

"Well he got it alright. I've never had a battle go by that fast. It was like, as soon as my feet touched the ground on Haestrom, everything became a blur until she stood in front of me in that observatory. I think that was the moment, EDI. When I heard her voice, saw that she was unharmed, I vowed to myself, never let her go."

A soft click from the terminal made her head jerk up frantically. Was it over already?

 _No!_ "There must be more." She breathily whispered to herself as she got on her knees beside the terminal, desperately digging around for another thumb drive hidden away deeper inside.


	2. Don't Lose Yourself

**Don't Lose Yourself.**

After a few minutes of mad scrambling throughout the room, Tali finally stumbled upon an envelope tucked away in the lower most drawer of Shepard's night stand. Her name was all that adorned it, and it looked bulky enough to have contained more thumb drives. Without hesitation she sheared off the top and dumped the contents into her waiting palm.

Sure enough, several more drives fell into her hand, along with a letter.

* * *

 _Tali,_

 _If you're reading this, then odds are, I'm dead. I told EDI to make sure you see this at some point. 'Whenever the time seemed right' I said. Naturally, I'm fully expecting her to simply direct you to it instantly. If she does, then I'm sorry, Love. I didn't mean to tear the wound open so quickly. If she waited like I suggested, then I'm still sorry. You should never have had to feel this way on my account. I hope, in some small way, these recordings tell you how I feel. I thought about editing them once EDI told me she was recording the entire time, but decided against it. You should hear it all. Again, I'm sorry, Tali. Please don't lose yourself because of me. You still need to get that house, remember?_

 _-Love, John Shepard._

* * *

Tali held the paper in both hands as if it were some ancient text, afraid it might crumble to dust with the faintest touch. She didn't let a single wrinkle mar the page as she set it on the bed.

Everything about this seemed too surreal. It was as if she were listening to a memorial for Shepard in some extranet sitcom in a replica of his cabin. It all still smelled like him, looked like it did when he lived there, and had his 'clumsy yet cute' decorating touch on every wall. Her eyes kept moving to the door, as though she expected him to walk through it at any moment.

She sat silently, staring at the thumb drives, wiggling her fingers and moving the audio files in her hand while she thought. Finally, after what seemed like hours, she felt she could continue listening without completely breaking down. It was only a few feet to the computer at his desk, but it took her a moment to reset the holographic interface from it's tumble around the room. During the crash, most everything in his room had been hurled around this way and that. His haptic interface extender she'd found buried in a haphazard pile of clothing, armor, and other things halfway across the cabin.

When she got it working again, Tali grabbed the overturned computer chair nearby and slowly sank into it, listening intently as the next recording started playing. Briefly, she wondered if she shouldn't invite the others up to hear this along with her.

 _No, I need to hear this without distractions. I don't need them trying to comfort me. Not right now._

Her thoughts were interrupted by the crackling of background noise.

" _Are you ready to begin, Shepard? Or should we stay with rehearsing?"_

"Yeah, I don't think i'm ready for the big leagues just yet, EDI." Shepard's voice sounded exceptionally close, like he had his head down on the desk by the computer while he was talking. After a few groans and popping joints, she imagined him slowly sitting up and stretching. It was likely during the night shift that he'd been making these tapes. Taking advantage of the quiet while the rest of the crew slept. For a minute or so, there was silence. Both EDI and John seemed to be at a loss for words. Or perhaps he was simply tired...

" _Shepard?"_

"Yes, EDI?"

" _How would you define love?_ " EDI's question seemed to still the recording. Not even the background noise sounded as loud as it had. Eventually, Shepard could be heard readjusting his seat, sighing.

"An odd thing to ask. Don't you have access to a dictionary?"

" _Indeed I do. I ask because I wish to know how_ _ **you**_ _define love."_ Another pause as Shepard gathered his thoughts.

"Hmm... Alright. Love to me is... waking up everyday, excited to see that person beside you. Love is the feeling you get when you see them, even in passing. Your heart beats just a bit faster, their smell makes you want to pull them into a hug and just breathe deep, for as long as you can. You can't stop thinking about them: What they would think about that last meal you shared, or where their mind is on certain subjects. Everything about them is like reading another chapter in the best book ever written."

" _Clearly you've experienced it before, then. How many people have you felt this way about?"_

"One."

He may have only said a single word, but that was enough to make her have to stop listening for a moment. She paused the recording, breathing deeply with her eyes closed. Hearing him say that hurt her more than she could have ever imagined, yet she longed to hear it. Why could he not have said that before the end? She pressed play again, attempting to brace herself against the abuse she was subjecting herself to.

" _I see. Given these parameters, I believe I see why you love Tali, then."_

"Oh yeah? What gave it away?" Tali could hear the self-depreciating sarcasm clearly, and had to stop herself from yelling at the screen.

" _I can, with a very high percent of accuracy, say you experience every single one of those symptoms when Tali is near you. I have at least several dozen recordings of you hugging her for longer than ten seconds each, and my monitoring equipment shows you have a slight increase in heart activity when you see her. As for the mental musings in regards to her, It is impossible for me to say. You do often get an expression approaching relaxation after speaking to her, however."_

"I always was an open book, I suppose. Did I tell you about my plan for asking her to marry me?"

" _I do not believe you have, no."_ Tali sat with her eyes wide in disbelief, back rigidly straight and her mouth quivering. He said it so nonchalantly, like he were about to discuss the weather.

"You'll like this, EDI. So, one of these days, when the Reapers are toast and rainbows dance across the stars, i'm going to-"

" _You realize this is an impossibility."_

"Dammit, EDI, I'm trying to spill my guts here. Now, as I was saying. When everything settles down, I'm gonna learn how to build that house she wanted."

" _Shepard, you had to ask for assistance in building your ship models from Garrus. Building an entire house by yourself is not only difficult for those with experience, but ill-advised."_ EDI's tone made Tali giggle despite her efforts to remain silent, but the remnants of Shepard's fleet of figurines scattered around her feet sobered her quickly.

"Yeah, yeah, I'll figure it out. Never said it would be easy. Anyway, when it's all done, there's going to be a second floor balcony overlooking the ocean. I'm going to ask her to come with me around sunset, lead her to the railing... And then pop the question." He paused, as if waiting for a response that never came. "Well? What do you think?"

" _Interesting image. A view of the ocean would be a fitting touch. I expected a bit more... flare, though."_

"Flare?"

" _Indeed."_

"Alright, I'll take her for a ride in the Mako, jump through hoops of fire and land it through a barrel roll. _**Then**_ i'll pop the question."

" _Much better."_ EDI's approval was surprising for a moment, until she realized the AI had been joking. Tali exhaled a laugh, chuckling at the same as Shepard. The same abrasive click of the recording ending made Tali grimace despite the fact she'd just been smiling. To hear the moment end so abruptly was like listening to her favorite song, only to have her alarm clock go off in the middle of it.

Just as she started to unplug the thumb drive to insert another one, a knock on the door outside nearly made her jump out of her seat. When she didnt instantly respond, another pounding noise echoed through the cabin.

"Tali? You alright in there?"

"Yes, I'm fine, Garrus." Her answer sounded more tired than angry.

"Are you sure? You've been up here a long time. Can I come in?"

"Not... Not right now. Please, Garrus, I just need a little more time." Her response was met with silence at first, but she heard a dull thunk that she surmised was the turian hitting his head on the door.

"Don't do this to yourself, Tali. Everyone on this ship wants to help you. Just let us."

"I know, and thank you. But right now, I need some time to myself."

She could almost hear his resignated sigh through the bulkhead, but he eventually relented.

"Alright, but please don't stay cooped up in there much longer. I'd better see you down in the mess hall for dinner tonight, too. By the spirits, I will drag you out of that room, shotgun or no." She listened to his footsteps as he got back in the elevator, and sunk into the chair when she thought he was fully out of the cabin area.


	3. Keep Your Head Up

**Keep Your Head Up**

"So, what did you find up there, Tali?" The sudden voice from right beside her made Tali jump in her seat in the mess hall, but when she saw it was only Ashley, she relaxed.

"Oh, just a lot of memories," she lied, idly playing with her nutrient paste tube. "Maybe when it's not so raw I'll tell you about them, Ash."

"No, I understand. My sisters tried doing that with me too... It was waaaaay more awkward than comforting to hear all the personal stuff between them and their guys." The human soldier had to fight down a laugh as she shoveled more food into her mouth, and Tali was hard pressed not to laugh as well. It was an interesting image: the big, strong Ashley sitting on the side of her sister's bed and listening to her talk while furiously trying to think of anything else was the first thing that popped into her mind.

"Well, I'll spare you the details, then." This time Tali did giggle a little, and Ashley put an arm around her shoulders like she were one of the aforementioned sisters.

"Thanks, Tali. The last thing I need in my head is Shepard doing something compromising and naked. I swear, it's like he's the most clumsy person you'll ever meet outside of combat."

The way Ashley talked made Tali smile at first, but the more she heard Shepard referred to in the present tense, the more she sobered. When Ashley finally noticed Tali was no longer laughing, her face drew down into a concerned frown. Pulling Tali in close for a hug, Ashley spoke softly. "I'm sorry, Tali. But i'll be honest with ya, I don't think he's dead."

"Why?" Tali almost couldn't believe the sound of her own voice, and blinked at how choked up she sounded. She hadn't realized how badly it had hit her.

"Because if there is anyone in this universe who can live through that mess, It's Shepard. You'll see, Kid. You'll see. Keep your head up." Ashley leaned in and kissed the side of Tali's hood affectionately before getting up from the table and making for her room. The others were still sitting around the other tables, having conversations in a dull murmur through the mess hall.

She let the words sink in for a while, tuning out the others and only half heartedly slurping at the nutrient paste while her eyes scanned the table top.

 _Why shouldn't I believe?_ She thought to herself in reproach. _Just because I'm afraid of being hurt if I'm wrong? Well to hell with that. John has never given up on me, and I'll be damned if I give up on him!_

She punctuated her thoughts by slapping her mostly drained nutrient paste tube on the table and standing up. The others all stopped what they were doing and turned to look at her in worry, but she didn't give them time to ask her anything. She left the mess hall quickly and entered the elevator, hitting the button for the Captain's quarters. It took forever, as usual, but she eventually arrived and entered the cabin. She walked in at a brisk pace, practically flinging herself into the chair and shoving a hand into her pocket with the thumb drives. Each of the drives had a number written on the side with the same sharpie, which she presumed to mean the order in which to watch them.

She shoved in the one with the number three, hoping to validate her theory as swiftly as possible. The same low level background noise began to play, indicating the recording had begun.

"-and then Grunt looked me dead in the eye and he says, "A little spicy." Ha! Ahhh, man, I miss that damn krogan. He was the violent, humongous, bloodthirsty child I never had."

" _Shepard, I believe you have gone a little off track. You were going to tell me-"_

"Oh! Yeah yeah yeah. Ok, right. Sorry." Shepard sounded as though he were busy trying to resettle himself and get comfortable for telling another story. "So, It was right after Haestrom of course, we were back on the Normandy. I gave her enough time to settle in, get all her gear stowed and clean up a little. When I went down to engineering, Tali was already hard at work on the shields, like she couldn't take a minute for herself." His tone spoke volumes on his opinion of that, and she recalled the many times he'd chastised her for not taking time for herself once in awhile.

"Anyway, I was worried about her. She had just lost her team, almost her best friend. Then found out about you. Phew, that glare she shot at Jacob was the meanest thing I've ever seen her do... Yeah, that one!" Shepard's laughter accompanied by EDI's silence led her to believe EDI had simply replayed the image for him.

"When I asked if she was busy, she turned around so quickly you'd think I'd goosed her. She was wide eyed, trying to think about anything else but Haestrom. So you know what I did? I asked her if she liked the new ship. I asked her if the shields were doing well, and about how they worked. She got so caught up in describing how amazing the tech was, she not only forgot about Haestrom, but about me, as well. Trying to tell me about tech is like trying to show a monkey how to work a wrench."

Tali had a smile during the whole thing so far, but that last bit made her laugh aloud. She could just picture him slumped like a monkey and holding a wrench, banging it on the floor.

"When she finally realized none of what she said was getting through, she tried to pull that, 'sorry, I'm being dumb' card she uses. Well, I wasn't having it. For the first time since we'd met, I hugged her. I just reached out and grabbed her arms, pulled her into me and rocked back and forth with her for a while. It might have been a touch too bold, but after the hell she'd just been through, I thought she needed it. That was the first step." A moment of silence from both him and EDI before he continued. "That was when we both knew we could be more than just friends."

" _Fascinating."_

"Don't say fascinating when you're referring to organics, EDI. It makes you sound robotic."

" _Of course. Apologies, Shepard."_

"Just don't let it happen again." Shepard's playful tone evoked in her a sense of longing. She'd never met another human with his peculiar sense of humor, but it had grown on her. She found things funny where before she never had. Perhaps it was something borne out of desperation, to find comedy where everyone else finds only tragedy. 'Graveyard humor' Garrus had called it once.

" _Shepard, Tali wishes to speak with you and is on her way up from engineering_."

"Crap! Alright, shut it down. And tell Garrus our game of pool will have to wait a while."

Once again the click of the audio sounded and the background noise died, leaving Tali sitting in silence. She could remember that day, clear as if it had happened yesterday. She'd been on the point of tears almost the entire time after Shepard had saved her. Strong emotions were running through her mind: sadness for the team, joy at seeing Shepard and Reegar alive, confusion for feeling glad after the death of so many, vengeance towards all the dead Geth who had slaughtered her people... When Shepard had walked in on her down in Engineering, her mind had been in a million different places. She hadn't even showered yet, much less put all her stuff away in the foot locker. The last thing she'd expected right then was her crush to practically sneak up on her and-

 _-Completely solve the problems you were having? It was like he knew just what to say to take my mind of the mission. For nearly a half hour I talked, gushed really, about the new tech. I even smiled a few times! I never expected he'd tell me he liked me back, either. That was the craziest day of my life. Probably. Not counting the reaper on Rannoch. Sorta._

Tali's inner voice faded away, and she looked down at the handful of thumb drives again. It was a little too late in the sleep cycle to listen to them all before bed, but she thought she could manage one more...


	4. Don't Give In

Don't Give In

Tali awoke on Shepard's bed, a tangled mass of limbs and sheets wrapped around her in various uncomfortable ways. Her recollection of the night before was a little fuzzy towards the end, as she could not remember how she'd ended up in bed. That could be for a variety of reasons, chief of which being she had barely eaten or slept in days. It wasn't too much of a stretch to say she'd simply passed out unconscious while walking near the bed.

Stretching out both arms and yawning forced out a squeak she simply couldn't repress. No matter how many times Shepard had said it was cute, she still hated it. Thinking of him drew her attention to the photo she'd put back on his nightstand; the one of her standing on a cliff without a mask on. She could still feel the sensation of wind on her face, the spray of the ocean speckling her with each crashing wave. The smells were fantastic when experienced without the blockage that was her olfactory filter, and every single one of her senses had seemed heightened.

Not for the first time, she wondered if Shepard felt that way all the time. If living all of one's life without such a habilitation still let you appreciate it.

 _Doubtful. And besides, how does one ask a question like that? "Hey, does the fact you see and smell everything without a filter over your head make you appreciate what you have when I cannot? I only ask because I want to sound rude."_

With a brief snort of amusement on her own behalf, Tali finally sat up completely and swung her legs over the side of the bed. Her stomach gnawed at her, and she could feel a headache coming on. Making sure she had all the thumb drives in her pocket, she set out for the Mess Hall. It was an extreme exercise of willpower to resist simply continuing on with the progression of audio files Shepard had left as she passed his desk, but she managed it.

The Mess Hall was mostly empty when she arrived, and she frowned at this. Not thinking too much of it at first, she glanced at her suits internal chronometer and nearly shouted in surprise. It was the equivalent of mid day, meaning most of the others were busy repairing something, or being useful somewhere while she lounged in the captain's quarters. The sheer mortification she felt made her face heat up, and she ran to the kitchen area to quickly grab a food tube and water packet. Once in her hand, she started to run back to the elevator, but stopped and turned back to grab several more of each before resuming her path.

Tali was still stuffing food into her many pockets as she stumbled from the elevator, and her entrance into engineering proper was announced by her dropping several food tubes across the floor. Cursing under her breath, she almost didn't see Gabby appear beside her until the woman was actively handing her food tubes.

"Oh! Sorry, Gabby. I forgot to set my alarm! You and Kenneth didn't need me for anything, did you? Nevermind, I'll make it up to you. I'll-"

"Tali! Slow down, Geez. Me and Ken are doing just fine down here. We can get the Normandy in the air again, good as new. Just you wait and see." Gabby stood up after giving the food to Tali, but remained facing her, a stern and concerned expression on her face. "We figured you'd be up there for a while, so we weren't worried. No need to get riled up on our account. Besides, of all of us, you are the one who needs rest the most." The propulsion engineer pointed not-so-subtly to the bandage on Tali's stomach from when they had run for the beam in London. Tali touched it absent mindedly, as if she'd completely forgotten. She supposed she had, at that.

"It doesn't even hurt anymore. Besides, every pair of hands helps, and the faster we're out of here the faster-" She cut herself off, her eyes drifting to stare at the floor. "-The faster I can find out. He might still need me, Gabby. He could be out there right now, hurting and looking for me."

"Odds are he is." Gabby nodded in agreement, not a hint of doubt on her face. "That does not mean you being here will make this go any faster. Ken and I both got a good night's rest, and it's getting pretty obvious you didn't. Everything that needs doing down here is a two person job at most. You can go ahead, Tali. We'll be fine down here. And if we _really_ need you for something, we'll call." A small caring smile appeared on her face.

"I can't let you two do all the work while I sit here wallowing in self pity."

"All the work? Tali, all the work me and Ken have done is the clean up from the incredible amount of work you did already. When we landed you practically threw yourself at the mass effect core for days at a time. Or did you forget that? You've done enough for now. Go get some rest."

"Aye, Lass," Ken chimed in from a maintenance pipe somewhere she could not see. "The slave driver and I can fix the ol' girl up from here. Dun' you worry none."

"Maybe I wouldn't have to ride you so hard if you actually did the things I told you to do!" Gabby threw back at him.

"The only 'riding' I appreciate tends ta be a mite bit uncomfortable without some bedding, Gabby. But if that's 'ow you wunt ta play it?" He left the question hanging in the air, making Gabby sigh in weary irritation.

"This man will be the death of me, I swear. Well go on, Tali! Go eat and rest. We'll keep you updated. Promise."

Tali watched rather expressionlessly as Gabby returned to work, and she closed her eyes in resignation. She wanted to work to get her mind off of Shepard, but it seemed as though fate was conspiring against her. She finally turned and left engineering, but did not enter the elevator right away. Standing in the hallway outside, she looked at the ground as her thoughts wandered.

 _I suppose I could just eat and drink while I finish the tapes... But I don't want to finish them too soon. Hearing him on those tapes is like hearing him next to me again. Painful, but oh-so-sweet in every other way. Guess now I know how Kasumi felt._

"Is this how quarians begin meals? Staring at the floor?" Javik's voice startled her from her thoughts so badly that she jumped. He stood in the doorway to his room, arms crossed. His usual red and black armor on and the same ageless face staring her down.

"Keelah, you scared me!"

"Do not avoid the question, Quarian. Are you going to eat that?" All of his eyes looked at the tube in her hands with an idle curiosity.

"Why? Do you want some? I'm fairly certain you won't like it, though." Despite her warnings, he extended a hand in a silent request for her food tube, to which she shrugged and did as he wanted. She had plenty of the things, after all, and she was confident they would escape this place before the need became dire.

Javik pursed his lips at the tube in his hand, and for a second he looked to be concentrating.

"You worry about the Commander. To be expected, given your... relationship." He paused as if the word left a bad taste in his mouth. "Worry serves no one, Quarian. Fear is not worth your time. Focus on the present, and soon the truth about the Commander will be revealed." Javik began to walk back into his room, but she called him back just before his door shut.

"Wait!"

"...Yes?"

"Can I ask you something, Javik? I won't take too much of your time, I promise."

He looked at her for a moment longer before standing to one side of the doorway, ushering her inside. His room was just as spartan as always, having nothing but storage crates and a water basin for him to wash his hands with. The latter of which he proceeded to without a backwards glance at her.

Silence reigned for nearly a full minute as Tali gathered her thoughts and Javik ignored her existence. Finally, she worked up the courage to speak.

"Javik... You have experience dealing with memories. Some bad, some good..."

"You wish my advice on how to deal with the Commander's death?" Hearing him outright say it hit her like a punch to the gut, but she swallowed it down and continued on.

"No. Not that..." She took another moment to word her next question carefully. Javik was a master at turning what someone said around on them without mercy, and she wanted to avoid that if possible. "If all you had in that memory shard were good memories, would you watch through them?"

"No."

"Why?"

"Because life is not complete without bad memories."

Her eyes must've conveyed her confusion even through the mask, because he began to elaborate.

"Imagine if you watched a... 'vid' about the Commander long after his death. Would you wish to see nothing but happiness? Or would you rather see the things he had to endure to become the warrior he was? Would you deprive yourself the vision of seeing him at his worst, to appreciate him at his best?" Javik turned to look her in the eye, his gaze as cold and scathing as a blizzard. "You cannot come to peace with the past without knowing both the bad, and the good."

"So why carry the shard with you at all? Why not simply get rid of it?" Her question was not answered immediately, and for the first time, she thought she saw a hint of pain cross his expressionless face.

"Because I don't wish to forget them entirely." A moment of silence passed between them, but Javik eventually looked up again. Anger in his eyes. "And there is no better motivation than vengeance for an entire species."

"I understand. Thank you, Javik." Tali turned for the door, but stopped when a thought occurred to her. "Why did you want my nutrient paste, anyway?"

"The krogan who lived in these quarters had a strong desire to find out how it tastes. I share his curiosity, against my better judgement."

Tali smiled despite the depressing conversation, as the thought of Grunt with a food tube in his mouth like a pacifier was too much to ignore. She made as if about to leave when he called out to her, his words quiet.

"Do not let the memories consume you, Quarian. Do not dwell on what cannot be fixed." His words bit deeply at her soul, though it was for different reasons than what he was suggesting. She did not fear dwelling on things she couldn't fix, but she _did_ fear being consumed by the memories of her Captain. In some ways, she knew, it was a fate worse than death to forever be reminded of someone no longer among the living.

She suddenly felt a growing need to be out of the oppressively empty room and away from Javik. The man's blunt and harsh manner was too much for her to deal with right then. She left the room at a quick pace and entered the elevator, pressing the button for the Captain's cabin. She needed to finish the story. Needed to hear him one more time. Needed to have a small piece of him with her for just a little while longer.


	5. Don't Wait For Me

**Don't Wait For Me**

" _None of those other logs were what I really wanted to say to you, Tali, I -"_ Shepard's image looked down at the desk where he sat, clearly trying to think about what he wanted to say. He wore his usual puffy orange jacket, his hair was close cut, and if Tali strained, she could almost smell that specific scent of his shampoo. It was weird; The things one remembers are never the things one wants to remember most.

She had been both surprised and excited that the last drive was a video file instead of strictly audio, but the instant she'd seen his face, instead of having to rely on only memory... It had devastated her. For a full minute she had had to pause the video, just staring at him. Memorizing his every feature like she had done so many times before. When she thought she had finally gotten control of herself again, she tentatively pressed play.

" _Heh, to be honest I didn't actually know EDI was recording all of that. Sly girl that you are."_ Shepard's words only got one response from the quirky AI: a thumbs up on his monitor. " _It did have an unintended side effect, though. I think I narrowed down what I needed you to hear."_ He paused, staring straight into the camera for a moment as though he could see her very soul.

" _I love you, Tali Zorah Vas Normandy. I have loved you since I first laid eyes on you back in that dingy little citadel alleyway. Some days, you're all that keeps me going. But the dangers we face now, with the Reapers out there... Well, there's a good chance I won't make it through to the end."_

"No, no don't you say it." Tali's voice was quiet, but she knew if she heard him say the words she might lose the hope she'd been holding on to for so long. It would be the nail in the coffin.

Shepard looked down at the desk again, running both hands over his face as he contemplated his next words. His hands steepled over his mouth and nose for a moment, and his eyes searched the room as if he might find the answers written on the wall. He finally sighed, letting his hands fall back onto the desk.

" _Tali, you are the strongest, smartest, most courageous woman I know. Frankly that's what worries me the most. If I die, Tali... Please. Mourn me, but don't let it destroy you._ "

In that instant, she felt her muscles slowly go numb in her face. She sat staring blankly at Shepard's image as though she were hypnotized. She closed her eyes, unwilling to see the world around her any longer. When she heard him chuckle, she dared to open them again, only to see that half cocked smile he always wore.

" _Of course, I'd appreciate it if you made sure I was dead before you did all of that. I know i've lived through some pretty ridiculous stuff before so, can't hurt to include that I suppose_." His nonchalant delivery of the most important thing she'd heard in months was dumbfounding, but after a brief moment of disbelief she sat up straighter in the chair. She felt her resolve returning ten fold. It was not only something she wanted, but a request from John. That made all the difference.

" _In the end, know that I will always love you, no matter what happens after this shit-show of a war. No matter where you go, no matter what you decide to do, I'll be keeping an eye on you, Miss Vas Normandy. You can count on it_." His wink and sultry tone got her heart rate up with thoughts of what she would do to him at that particular moment if he suddenly appeared beside her. She quickly did her best to dispel those thoughts, frustrating as they were, to focus on video. She refused to miss even a second.

" _And one last thing, Tali. I asked Garrus to look out for you if i'm not around. So if you don't mind, at least_ _ **try**_ _and cooperate with him? You two squabble like kids sometimes and you're stubborn as a mule when it comes to taking care of yourself._ " The chastising remark forced a choked up laugh out of her as she watched him look on lovingly.

" _Be safe, my Love. I'll see you soon_." That same mind crushingly abrasive 'click' of the video ending jolted her from her stupor. Tali leapt up out of her seat and snatched up all the thumbdrives that weren't already in her pocket before rushing out of the Captain's cabin without a backwards glance. She had a ship to fix and a captain to find. She would let nothing slow her down.

"I'll see you soon, John."

* * *

 **Hey guys! I know it's been a long time and I apologize. I could give you a plethora of excuses but That doesn't really justify my not finishing this story sooner. I'm aware it's an incredibly short chapter, but then, my Shepard was not a long winded man. His message would be short and to the point. I hope you all get some closure out of this, and be sure to check out my other stories if you haven't already!**

 **\- Yours in service, Bahoogasmif.**


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